I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
sigh
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.