MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You Might Also Like
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Breaking news:
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario