I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
You Might Also Like
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Wednesday
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?