Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
You Might Also Like
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”