[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Duolingo getting serious.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My brain is a bad influence on me