My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.