I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run