“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Ken is short for chicken
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
R.I.P.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.