*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
How do you milk an almond?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok