My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Can. I. Help. You.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
black phone good
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol