Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
You Might Also Like
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
PLOT TWIST:
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
won’t smith
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
huge if true: the moon