I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Yes, but it was never about money
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls