So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Namaste
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.