Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
WHY?!
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.