Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Thrilling chase underway
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.