In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]