People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
😂💯
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it