Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?