October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker