[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.