Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
A double negative is a big no-no.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy