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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.