Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
This fish is cracking me up
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.