People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”