A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*