3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.