A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch