me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Respect
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.