[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife