person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
You Might Also Like
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero