Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
For anyone who needs this today
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Spring of Deception
you have three unread messages
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.