“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Beware of the dog..
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.