Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Happy Thanksgiving
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
We found love in a hopeless place.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Plant care tips
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.