Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP