Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry