Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Breaking news:
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her