*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.