Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.