Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!