“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.