Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
wow
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver