[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later