gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside