Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.