me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Best seat on the street 😍
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work