Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
ACED my prostate exam!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.