BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.