*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
(Gaming support cat.)
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”