nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Mistakes were made
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”