My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
getting corrected
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!